Is everyone ready for "The True Story" of the demise of Osama bin Laden? Take it away, Tom Tomorrow!

The True Story
By TOM TOMORROW

[Don't forget to click on the strip to enlarge it.]

"In what some see as conclusive proof that Osama bin Laden is dead, Dick Cheney appeared on Fox to take credit for it."

-- from yesterday's Borowitz Report

by Ken

As Howie pointed out this morning, there seems no end in sight to newer and better tales of the demise of Osama bin Laden. Of course it might have helped if the Obama team hadn't put out a story that has had to be "corrected" in nearly every particular except the apparent fact that O.b.L. is no more.

Now who do we know who used to make a regular habit of dumping phony stories on the American public? That's right, the Bush regime! And really, it seems only fair that we hear from the regimistas of the wartime-peacetime president, the decider, the man who trained his relentless, implacably mission-accomplishing will on the capture of Osama. And remember, it all makes sense in the 32nd century!

Now I know there's still an insatiable demand for more bin Laden backstory. So here's Andy Borowitz's most recent offering:

THE BOROWITZ REPORT

Bin Laden Invested Millions in Company That Makes 3-oz. Bottles of Liquids and Gels

Seized Computers Yield Shocking Discovery

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In a shocking revelation gleaned from computers seized in his compound in Pakistan, Osama bin Laden spent millions of dollars investing in a company that makes 3-ounce bottles of liquid and gels.

According to CIA director Leon Panetta, Mr. bin Laden’s fervor for investing in the tiny bottle company, Trav-L-Size Inc., may have dwarfed his passion for jihad.

“We haven’t found anything in the computers that indicate Osama bin Laden wanted to rule the world,” Mr. Panetta said. “However, it is clear that he wanted to corner the market in 3-ounce bottles.”

In addition to Mr. bin Laden’s passion for 3-ounce bottles, seized computer files portray a man bent on controlling the world’s supply of slip-on shoes and loafers.

“Over the last nine years, Osama bin Laden had poured millions of dollars into a company called Reid Loafer Inc., founded by the so-called ‘shoe bomber’ Richard Reid,” he said.

Mr. Panetta said that the CIA still has much to learn about Mr. bin Laden’s years as a fugitive, but said the fact that he lived in Pakistan for six years without phone service “suggests the involvement of AT&T.”

In other bin Laden news, Mr. Panetta said Mr. bin Laden’s dying words were, “On the plus side, this is going to totally screw Trump.”

Elsewhere, a Pakistani military spokesman denied any connection with the fallen al Qaeda leader, stating, “We were just Facebook friends.”

And in what some see as conclusive proof that Osama bin Laden is dead, Dick Cheney appeared on Fox to take credit for it.

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The Bin-Laden Story... R.I.P.? We Wish!

"Fatima, when are you bringing me the goat shawarma? (شاورما‎)"

Does anyone not know that the U.S. has released home videos of bin-Laden sitting around being boring. But boring was the whole idea-- the "seized videos shows him watching himself on television, looking old, ordinary and vain... puncture the mystique surrounding" him.

In the most extraordinary footage among five videos made public, the late al-Qa'ida chief sits wrapped in a brown blanket and winter hat, gazing at TV footage of himself as he holds a remote control in his right hand.

His beard has gone grey and he looks older than his years. He sits in a spare-looking room, stroking his beard and rocking back and forth as he watches the television screen.

Al-Qa'ida tried to promote the image of a fearless and powerful holy warrior, but bin Laden appears in the "home video" as an ordinary and solitary figure, reduced to watching news clips of himself.

"I think it's pretty clear what they're trying to do is demystify this icon who has terrorised the world for the past 10 years, to show for a fact he was not 10 feet tall," said Mark Kimmitt, a retired US brigadier general.

The video left an impression that "he seems to be a tired, old man," Mr Kimmitt said.
As the footage of bin Laden was shown to reporters at a Pentagon briefing, there was an audible gasp in the room.

The video lifted a veil on an elusive and almost mythical figure, who had managed to escape the reach of a superpower for more than a decade.

The CIA had been spying on him from a safe house in Abbottabad for months assembling a "pattern of life" portrait of the occupants. They even had eavesdropping devices inside the compound. "The effort was so extensive and costly that the CIA went to Congress in December to secure authority to reallocate tens of millions of dollars within assorted agency budgets to fund it, officials were cited as saying." Not everyone in Abbottabad believes it actually happened:


China Network News reports from Abbottabad.

The government of Pakistan would love for the whole matter to disappear and they're likely to do their best to make that happen, first off by obliterating the compound itself before someone makes it into a shrine (or an amusement park). It's already a tourist attraction.

"The crowds have been getting bigger every day," said Hasnat Ahmed, a 22-year-old engineering graduate who can see bin Laden's compound from his rooftop. "We are not sure about international tourism yet, but I think we will be getting plenty of people from Islamabad, Lahore and Karachi."

While al-Qaeda has finally admitted bin Laden's death, many Pakistanis are sceptical about claims the al-Qaeda chief was killed in the raid and question the White House's decision not to release photos of his body.

The US disposed of bin Laden's body at sea so his grave wouldn't become a shrine for extremists. But if the past few days are any guide, the al-Qaeda chief's house has pulling power.

Sources have told The Sunday Age that demolition of the concrete buildings and high perimeter wall is being considered to stop it becoming a shrine. No date has been announced for any demolition.

Extra security personnel have been deployed around the compound in recent days to tighten security and help with crowd control.

"Everyone is interested in this," said telco worker Shah Zaib Khan, who walked from his home more than an hour away to take a look at the walled compound. "Is it drama or is it a reality?"

Rashid-ul-Haq Qazi, a lawyer who visited the compound, had another suggestion: charge people to look inside. "It would be wiser to print some tickets and charge an entry fee," he said.

Bin Laden's fifth wife, detained after the raid on Abbottabad, has told Pakistani investigators that he lived in another town in northern Pakistan before moving to the neighbourhood where he was killed, the Dawn newspaper reported.

Amal Ahmed al-Sadah reportedly told investigators that bin Laden lived on the outskirts of Haripur, about 25 kilometres south of Abbottabad, from 2003 until late 2005.

I'm guessing the video below isn't going to be the end of the story-- not for Fox viewers or hate talk radio fans or for primitives in Abbottabad, but if people can accept that Ken Lay is really dead, why not bin-Laden?

"What we should really ask ourselves about Bin Laden's death" (Lee Camp)

Another gem of a "Moment of Clarity" from the one and only Lee Camp. -- Ken

. . . What do you do after your Enemy No. 1 is no more? We have a choice. We can continue bombing endlessly in places like Afghanistan. We can continue to operate 900 military bases worldwide. We can continue to be the bitter, angry man who was beat up on 9/11 and now takes it out endlessly on his children.

Or we can use bin Laden's death to conclusively move on. We've finally banged the hot chick who turned us down in high school and dumped Beefaroni in our lap in the middle of the cafeteria, causing us to self-consciously spend the following 20 years making sure nothing that humiliating ever happened again by behaving like a douchebag to everyone we ever met, just in case they had secret Beefaroni plans of their own . . .

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Is Bin-Laden Really Dead?

Or did he duck out of the Wedding and join The Princess and Princess on the honeymoon, with President Obama providing a little distraction for everyone? Just asking... although the proof seems evident to everyone.